Category: relationships

June 18th, 2009

Father’s Day Advice!

So, this weekend is Father’s Day!

If you are separated or divorced, this is a day that can be filled with anxiety, frustration, anger and all kinds of emotions.

What I want to stress to you today is that no matter what kind of man/”ex” your children’s father is…he is still their father and they need him desperately!

· Regardless of what your children say
· Regardless of what he does
· Whether or not he pays, honors his obligations or is a kind/decent person

Your children need him!

I know how hard this is to absorb and to respect sometimes, but how you address him and this day, will be something your children will remember… forever!

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Having your children disappointed in their father, guilty for loving him or afraid to tell you how they really feel for him will only close the door of trust and communication between you and them.

They need to be allowed to:

· love him
· spend time with him
· define their own relationship with him
· share their feelings and emotions about him with you in a safe and trusting way
· learn how to communicate with him

There is nothing that can come between your relationship with them except for your own insecurities and emotions about your “ex”.

So, here are my tips for you on this Father’s Day:

1. It’s not about you!

I don’t mean to sound offensive, but Father’s Day is not about how YOU feel about your Ex. It’s about your children. If your children have a good relationship with their father, then regardless of whose “day” it is, they should have the opportunity to spend time with him on this day. If they have a distant or unhealthy relationship with their father, then this is a day that will be filled with all kinds of emotions for them. They will need your strength, compassion and understanding.

2. Create a safe and trusting environment for communication.

Set a new pattern this year by opening the door to non-judgmental conversation about how they would like to celebrate father’s day. Would they like to see their father? What would they like to do on father’s day with their dad?

If they have a poor relationship with him, what would make them feel better? Perhaps a call or a card? The most important thing will be for you to LISTEN and NOT offer any feedback or opinion. Just an acknowledgement of what they feel and what they want.

3. Focus on the good.

This would be a great time for you to try and focus on the “good” parts of their father. Is he gentle? Is he creative? Is he generous with them? If you can find and acknowledge the good in your “ex”, you may be surprised that he might be able to rise to the occasion. Perhaps sharing with him that ” your children miss him and want very much to spend a bit of time with him…how could you support that?” The outcome may surprise you!

4. Celebrate your own father…their Grandfather.

Part of Father’s Day is also celebrating your own father…your children’s grandfather! Make sure that when you are scheduling the day and making time for your children to be with their father, that you also schedule in time to be with your father. If my children are going to spend the day with their dad…I always make arrangements with him to bring the kids to have breakfast/brunch with my father before I drop them off with him. We do the same on Mother’s Day….my children spend time with their dad and his family before or after they spend time with me.

5. Reward your maturity!

Congratulations! You have put your children’s emotions ahead of your own and taken a HUGE step in building trust and closeness between you and them! While they are out with their father, do something wonderful for yourself to acknowledge what you have done to support and encourage the very special bond between father and child.

No matter what the relationship between you and your “Ex”, your children need to know that you respect and honor their relationship with him and that you are not threatened by their love for him! It is something they will take with them for the rest of their lives!

Lastly, as a parent, it is your job to raise children that are unselfish and attentive to the feelings of others. Encourage them to call their father, buy a gift or card for him and acknowledge that it is a day to celebrate him. Just as they want to be celebrated on their birthdays and special milestones, they need to also put others first at different times during the year!

By the way…my kids won’t see my father this year on Father’s Day…but not because I don’t work this through with my ex-husband, but because my parents are out of town!

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March 6th, 2009

Divorcing Women and the Women Who Love Them

 

A new weekly column for mothers, sisters and daughters!

This week I am proud to introduce to you my mother, Martha Weisbart. My mother is an accomplished woman and professional and a happily married woman for 45 years this year!

To say that when I got divorced I felt like a complete failure, not only in my own eyes, but the eyes of my parents as well, is an understatement!

I had always been close to my parents and especially my mother, but the divorce put these relationships in complete upheaval as well! Over these years since the divorce, it has been a fantastic learning opportunity for me regarding my relationship with my parents and family, but one that has brought us much closer. I now share an even more incredible relationship with my mother.

Today’s economic challenges have not only forced many divorcing men and women to move home with their parents, but to take financial, emotional and parenting assistance from them as well. A situation that can cause enormous stress and anxiety for all of the parties involved.

I have invited my mother to join me at The D Spot as a weekly columnist on what this transition has been like for her, for us and I am sure, for you.

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I welcome you to forward this email on to your mother, sister, friend or anyone else that is going through the transition of divorce or LOVES someone who is.

As well, next month, my mother and I will be hosting a FREE teleclass on this subject and welcome you, your mothers, daughters and anyone else to join us then. Keep your eyes out for details!

For now, here is her first installment of the new column “Notes from the Mother of a Divorcee”. Please look for future installments in the left hand column.

“OMG… I can’t believe it”

There are many things the parents of an adult child can hear that cause their hearts to stop in pain. I hope never to hear most of them.

But, the day my daughter, mother of my two grandsons, called and said, “….and so we are getting a divorce.” My heart stopped. Even writing these words some 7 years later causes my breath to catch in my chest.

When our daughters walk down the aisle, whether or not we love our sons-in-law, there is a sense of the end of a stage of life and of responsibility and the possibility of new beginnings…for everyone. The older we grow, the more we like that freedom…in fact, we come to cherish it. They have dreams and so do we….dreams of their security, their happiness, the children they will bear, the lives they will lead. And us too.

So those dreaded words strike chords of pain on so many levels…..how could this happen to me was my first thought. I couldn’t believe it. And I cried during drive times in the car; whenever I talked to a friend; all the time I talked with my husband; when I went to sleep; when I woke at 2 a.m. alone in my state of panic; well….you get the picture. When didn’t I cry….when I talked to my daughter. After all, she had her own pain…what she didn’t need was mine. I knew that logically. But all the books were focused on her. Who had written for me?

Over the years, I sort of knew it was coming. I had seen seeds of the possibility when she became engaged. And it played out like my worst fears. What did I feel….well, do the words disappointment, fear, terror, sympathy, unbelievable-ness, pain, anger, anxiety, and terror sound familiar? What would happen to her? What would happen to my beautiful grandsons? What would happen to me?

During the years since my daughter uttered those words, we have been on a journey, tumultuous at times, of connecting in a new way. We both have gotten a new understanding of what divorce means not only for the couple involved, but to the people who love them as well. My hope is to share with you MY journey of divorce-once removed, as part of the overall transition, and to offer what I have learned and the resources I have sought to keep the best of our relationship and create new beginnings for our new family structure. It is an ongoing journey.

Your questions, comments and suggestions are welcome.

Martha Sue Weisbart
Weisbart@optonline.net

 

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